I can't comprehend the fact that it's been a year without seeing you, feeling you, or hearing your voice. My brain could not handle this happening before and now that it's happened I don't know how to process it without wanting to deny and tell myself you'll be back soon.
I have put off writing in hopes that I could just mentally deal with the hurt inside, but my heart won't let me do that anymore. Until I write, this ocean of overwhelming emotion will not calm even the slightest bit.
I have tried to recall each day from last year; what happened on that particular day and what I was feeling midst the sadness. With every memory, my mind always brings me back to who YOU were. I've never seen you so physically helpless. I couldn't have even imagined you like that. You remained to be so powerful and strong for those around you. Every smile, every touch, every word you were able to muster up the strength to write, spoke volumes! You would wave when we'd walk through the ICU doors and we knew it took all of your strength to lift those few fingers. It was such a picture of your incredible heart for others. You had this look of confidence in your Savior and an overflowing joy with mention of your grand kids. I laugh every time I think of you rolling your eyes at Dad when he did something silly. You remained the same calm and laid back Momma that I've known all my life.
Defeated, some would say. Not you... You were strong while we crumbled knowing what a loss this would be. You were our rock and we realize this now more than ever. People have said, "It gets easier," or "Be thankful for good memories." While these things may be true, you certainly aren't someone who makes it easy to move forward. Some days I'm not sure I can put one foot in front of the other. In fact, I don't think I do. It's more like I've been carried. I don't know how to move forward without you Mom.
This day will forever be one I'd like to forget. While you met Jesus, we were left without you. What a comfort to know though that you saw Jesus and had such an attested sign that He was holding you and you were HIS. I prayed over and over for a miracle. I wanted God to take this away from you and heal you because I could not imagine living without you. I was angry when He didn't do that. I know now that He did show us a miracle. While it wasn't what we wanted, He made himself known through you in so many ways.
Elijah had a dream that we could go to Heaven and visit you in the summertime. I think that's a great idea. In someways I miss you more and I'm not sure the pain is getting any better. In others, I have seen how God can comfort and provide peace in the most unlikely things. Isaiah 41:10
Thank you for the legacy that you've given to all of us. You made life better! You were my greatest friend and I will forever be missing that. I can't wait to have a hug from you again. I'm remembering all the good today...there's so much good.
Love you sweet Momma!
LBT
I have put off writing in hopes that I could just mentally deal with the hurt inside, but my heart won't let me do that anymore. Until I write, this ocean of overwhelming emotion will not calm even the slightest bit.
I have tried to recall each day from last year; what happened on that particular day and what I was feeling midst the sadness. With every memory, my mind always brings me back to who YOU were. I've never seen you so physically helpless. I couldn't have even imagined you like that. You remained to be so powerful and strong for those around you. Every smile, every touch, every word you were able to muster up the strength to write, spoke volumes! You would wave when we'd walk through the ICU doors and we knew it took all of your strength to lift those few fingers. It was such a picture of your incredible heart for others. You had this look of confidence in your Savior and an overflowing joy with mention of your grand kids. I laugh every time I think of you rolling your eyes at Dad when he did something silly. You remained the same calm and laid back Momma that I've known all my life.
Defeated, some would say. Not you... You were strong while we crumbled knowing what a loss this would be. You were our rock and we realize this now more than ever. People have said, "It gets easier," or "Be thankful for good memories." While these things may be true, you certainly aren't someone who makes it easy to move forward. Some days I'm not sure I can put one foot in front of the other. In fact, I don't think I do. It's more like I've been carried. I don't know how to move forward without you Mom.
This day will forever be one I'd like to forget. While you met Jesus, we were left without you. What a comfort to know though that you saw Jesus and had such an attested sign that He was holding you and you were HIS. I prayed over and over for a miracle. I wanted God to take this away from you and heal you because I could not imagine living without you. I was angry when He didn't do that. I know now that He did show us a miracle. While it wasn't what we wanted, He made himself known through you in so many ways.
Elijah had a dream that we could go to Heaven and visit you in the summertime. I think that's a great idea. In someways I miss you more and I'm not sure the pain is getting any better. In others, I have seen how God can comfort and provide peace in the most unlikely things. Isaiah 41:10
Thank you for the legacy that you've given to all of us. You made life better! You were my greatest friend and I will forever be missing that. I can't wait to have a hug from you again. I'm remembering all the good today...there's so much good.
Love you sweet Momma!
LBT
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