I Can't Do It

"Apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5
These are the words I read today as I sat thinking about the events of the morning.

 I just wanted to go to a bible study for women to actually have adult conversation and pretend to be a showered, civilized woman. Ok, I also wanted to go without any stress, and to be honest that shouldn't be a realistic goal of mine anymore.

Over and over my physical limitations of only having 2 arms with 4 children proved my humanly weaknesses. I got them all into the van (only screaming at them once) and had a pretty peaceful drive to where I was going. Realizing I was about 20 minutes late, I decided to just haul the twins in my arms and not use the stroller to get into the building. Hello, what? I don't know what I was thinking. As we are headed in the door, both little boys are screaming and the two older are complaining about the wind, cold, and having to carry too much stuff for me. "Just hurry up!!!", I yell while barely making it through the door before it hit me from behind. Ok, the twins are now 20 months and I don't know if we just don't get them out enough or what but they have some separation anxiety going on...bad. I love it while we are home and they want to cuddle and always be close, but when they need to go play for mommy to get a little break, it becomes a real tough thing. All that to say, I made it in, although twins were screaming, I went to the study. It was great and much needed.

And, now its over and I have to go get the little darlings. I could hear the scream as I entered the hallway to the children's wing. Oh no! Oh yes, that was one of the twins. So, again it was quite a circus to get coats on and try to make it out the door just to get in the flipping van. I felt exhausted already from getting there. The hour and a half study just wasn't long enough. As Owen was flailing around screaming because he was desperately wanting to know if I was going to leave him again, Andrew decided he just might cry too. I mean, afterall, there was a chance I could take them back into that room where they had so much fun. ahhh!!! While, trying to carry the screaming duo and keeping the olders inline to get out the door, I had several sweet ladies ask if I needed help. "No! Why? why would you think that?! I can do this." Oh heavens. I made it to the van and as soon as I sat down, tears ran from my eyes. I felt the sting of pride, exhaustion, and utter weakness all throughout my being. I was mad that it's this hard to do one simple task. I was sad that my children are clingy and won't exactly take help from anyone. I was tired, and I didn't want to be. I was embarrassed, because I couldn't keep it together.

The simple reminder that we can't do anything without Him, was exactly what I needed to read. In my weakness, HE IS STRONG. In my weakness, others see HIS GRACE. In my weakness, I SEE HIS GRACE. I have to try and remind myself of this. I'm not superwoman. In fact, because I'm not superwoman I get to experience Christ in a way that I wouldn't if I were. When we go through trials and adversity, we become dependent on Christ. If we could do it all and not have to strive for perserverance through faith, we wouldn't depend on our Lord.

Father, thank you for reminding me today that I need you desperately. Thank you, that though it's hard and at times exhausting, you've given this family for me to love.

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